I haven’t written in a long while. Gave writing and analysis a break to give room for living, feeling new experiences. So that’s what I’ve been doing that for a few weeks and I must admit that I’m really not sure that I feel comfortable writing about it.
Couple days ago I considered closing Kunzlecakes down for good. Telling the world: This experiment is done.
Let’s see now. I’ve spent over a year or two (who remembers?) pouring intimate, private details of my life onto these virtual pages, only to come to a point where I wonder if I still need your type of readership and my type of writership to continue work my personalship shit out.
Maybe I’m thinking this way because I’m finally experiencing something real again — some form (as of yet undetermined, undefined) of true intimacy, love and eroticism — as opposed to reflecting on past business, missed opportunities, regrets and mistakes. Maybe it’s because there is finally another really real, live human being involved in the present moment and situation in question, besides me.
So now, all of a sudden, telling you all about it seems rather trite. Shallow, superficial, almost thoughtless. I mean, you wouldn’t do it, would you? Spill all your beans onto a public website for anyone who pleases to read, dissect, judge at their leisure and pleasure?
So why do you expect me to do it? No. Sorry, wrong question. Why should I do it, continue to do it? You never asked me or expected me to. I started this all of my own free will and volition. Nobody ever asked me to put my personal life down on a page, although it is all the rage to do so these days. I asked me. I asked me and I responded in kind, because there was a need, an urgency, a real requirement in my life, to listen to myself and take the time to work it out. And the invisible audience — that’s YOU! — was an essential part of that necessity.
Now I’ve got something new to work out, but …
Maybe this time it’s really private. Maybe it feels meaningful, albeit problematic and …I don’t know if I need, if I want to share this. I’m afraid I might cheapen an already tawdry-sounding situation.
I’ve been wondering if I’d be being respectful, to him, and to myself, by telling y’all all the tawdry details….
Guess I gotta sit on this one for a while.
Sorry.
